“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you.”

Caroline Myss

I started this journey because I needed to step out of my comfort zone. It scared me to move away to a new place, but something inside me compelled me to do it. I feared it, but it some ways it was exactly what I needed and I could feel that.

As I near the six month mark, I’m scared in a different way. I’m scared the novelty of the experience will wear off. I’m scared I won’t find a job for after this. I’m scared that I’ll grow in a way that distances me from the people I love, not only by geographical location, but also by interest. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stick it out to the end of my job in July. Or, I’m scared that I’ll stick it out, and love it too much to come back.  I’m scared of disappointing people with the results of my project and with my decisions. I’m scared of disappointing myself.

So many contradictions. Six months ago when I made this decision, I had fear, but also an overwhelming feeling that this was the necessary next step in my life.  I don’t have a sense yet of what will be my next step after this and that freaks me out.  Part of me wants to go back to New England when this is over. Part of me deeply fears the regret of “settling down” – whatever that means, I don’t want it – and wants to run as far away from any stability as possible. I feel like a little kid trying to be a big kid – attracted to the sense of adventure, but kind of just want to go home. Maybe I’m just being nostalgic, but I’ve really enjoyed my time at home over the past week.

The good news is, in relation to the quote above, every choice scares me! I’m going to grow so much, no matter what I do!

Side note: I guess that’s another contradiction that goes along with being a 20-something; I’m a little lost and not sure what my future looks like, but at least I’m excited to do it and can recognize the growth opportunities. Reading back, this post sounds a touch “wah wah wah”, but it’s honest and that’s what I’m here to do.

 

 

“But what about your boyfriend?”

I can’t tell if this is a question I received a lot because I’m female, or simply because I’m in a relationship. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. But probably 80% of the time, people’s first question when I mentioned I would be taking this journey was, “but what about your boyfriend?”

At first I was genuinely confused and would stare back at them saying, “…what about my boyfriend?” I can only imagine what was going through people’s minds when they asked this question. Some seemed shocked that I would move away from him. Others seemed skeptical of our bond and thought that my moving away was a sign of discontent. And some just shuddered at the thought of not seeing their significant other every day, weekend, or whatever other length of time they deemed to be allowable in love.

Never fear, followers. I wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t absolutely positive that it would make me a better person, and in turn, strengthen my relationships (with him, my family and friends, and otherwise). I’ll admit that some days it is really hard. Some people reacted like there was something wrong with me for “leaving him behind”, and maybe that’s true. But to be honest, for where I am in my life right now, I feel like this is the only thing I should be doing. The only person you really have in this world is yourself, and if you aren’t comfortable with that person, and support that person 100%, then you aren’t really ready to be a support to others. So for me, (emphasis on the me – I know there are people in my life who are doing the exact opposite of moving away from their significant other, and I love and support them in that decision), this is exactly what I need to be doing.

For the record, having him in my life is a very wonderful thing. Its hard enough at first to support yourself in a crazy decision like mine. Finding someone that loves you and also supports you (sometimes more than you support yourself) is a rare gem. I know that.

It helps that at one point, I was the one being moved away from when he went to grad school and started chasing his dreams. But he’s also an amazing support system. Months and months prior to taking on this position, this is how many of our conversations would go:

Me: “I know I have a steady job, a strong network, and family and friends who love me here. But I want to drop everything, move to a place where I know no one, and live in poverty to determine my worth.” (*sips green juice and strikes yoga pose*)

Him: “I love you and support you every step of the way.”

Obviously there was more to these conversations, accompanied by buckets of tears that he dried for me, but his response was always the same. So that’s why I was confused when people asked me, “what about him?”, because I knew he would be fine. Clearly I’m the one that people need to worry about in this relationship.